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You hate keyboards without “å, ä, ö” with a passion. You think it’s perfectly normal and not offending at all when Frank Zappa’s song ”Bobby Brown goes down” is played at a disco for 9-year olds 32. You think dating someone you haven’t even had drunken sex with yet is a bit backwards.

You think thats its ridiculous to build houses from bricks. Since snuff ”isn’t harmful”, you can’t understand why no one except the Scandinavians use it. You don’t think a farmhouse is actually a farmhouse unless it is red or yellow with white trim. You don’t find ”bananer i pyjamas” to be a bit sexual. You realize that five ants are more than four elephants 30. Then follow their recommendation without complaining and in utter faith. Still, you are tempted to go, live, or study there. You are in France and you are feeling a bit continental going to a café ordering a “café au lait” (despite the fact that the French have no clue what you are on about). You call cupcakes “muffins” and argue that your way is right. When someone offers you a hotdog, you are genuinely surprised to find it is not a frankfurter in a ‘korvbröd’ and even more surprised to find that there is no such thing as a ‘korvbröd’ and hotdogs are actually served in plain rolls. You actually miss “Knäckebröd” when you are abroad but never eat it in Sweden since it’s too dry. You insist that Swedish chocolate is the best in the world, despite what the Belgians and the Swiss might say. You are abroad and you instinctively reply ”lagom” when the waiter ask how you would like your steak. You get cranky if you don’t get to eat ”havregrynsgröt” every morning. You know that there is a massive difference between “gravlax” and smoked salmon, and differences in opinion on which tastes the better has led to many arguments during family dinners. You get really defensive when people think “Smörgåsbord” simply means a variety of something and can’t grasp the concept of one. You need to explain the concept of ”Smörgåstårta” to someone, and you have to point out that “no, it’s not a cake, it is food”.

” is a question that needs to be answered with a honest and thorough explanation of your mental health.

You unfortunately find it embarrassing and a bit uncool to be “too” Swedish. You find it normal that the most serious debates between the political leaders of the country broadcasted on TV are held in charming and homey milieus, including flowered curtains, blond wood, colorful pillows, pastries and coffee. You consider Volvo and Saab the ultimate family cars. You don’t find it strange having a prime minister who is like…41?

You remind yourself which months in the year Sweden is warm, not by looking at the weather (simply because its mostly cold), but by humming the Gyllene Tider lyrics; ”..juni, juli, augusti..”. If living in the northern part of Sweden you consider the first monday in september being the real new years eve since the year is scheduled in before and after älgjakten. You don’t consider going to Norway or Finland as leaving Sweden 63.

You go to Australia and get really pissed off with ”Miss Mauds swedishbakery” and the fact that they don’t serve anything Swedish. You try to get non-Swedes to like smoked salmon and pickled herring. You feel that ”kladdkaka” tastes better than normal chocolate cake.

” when you hear about KFC and admits to never eaten at Kentucky Fried Chicken or even seen one. You go all misty-eyed and dreamy-looking when someone mentions ”Lakritspuck” 69. You are living abroad and you are slightly lost because there are a number of dishes in your repertoire you can’t make anymore, because you can’t get hold of “falukorv”. You happen to come across a Swedish food product in your local supermarket and just HAVE to buy it because it’s food from back home. You think a bag of crisps that contains less than 200 g is tiny, and you can’t understand why people don’t get the concept of dill crisps. You scream ‘pata lul’ while having macaroni and cheese with macaroni in the shape of wheels. The food is ready to be served exactly on the minute you told your friends to come for dinner – if they are a little late, the potatoes have gone all cold!

You think that singled packed slices of cheese are a stupid waste of resources. You really suffer by only being able to eat white bread when going abroad. You don’t consider micro oven as a substitute for a ”real oven”. You consider ”falukorv” as quality meat, and that it can be used instead of any other kind of meat when cooking. When you have lived abroad for a while and a single “Ahlgrens Bil” is enough to put you in a state of silly-eyed, open-mouthed bliss for at least 15 minutes. In addition to the previous point, you consider liquorice salted beyond what’s permissible by the laws of physics the equivalent of a class A narcotic—again, capable of sending you head first into a state of stupefied bliss for at least 15 minutes. You go to the supermarket abroad to buy ”julskinka” and when they don’t have the right cut of meat, salted to perfection; not only you, but also the butcher get a nervous breakdown, since he has no clue what you are on about (even after you haveshown your meat cut chart form your old home economics book from school).

You consider Sweden being on the verge of annoyingly ”lagom”.

Dagen efter firade jag amerikansk jul med Liam och hans familj. Blev upphämtad igen och så va det dags för paketutdelning och julmiddag. Etiketter:6th of June, ABBA, Advent Calendar, angry letter, annoying, Arne Weise, August, baby, behaviour, Bellman, bus, cafe, car, christian, Christmas, Christmas Eve, cigaretts, coins, complaining, dishes, Donald Duck, drunk englishmen, Easter, Eurovision Song Contest, Fettisdagen, frog dance, glögg, hang-over, Havanna, inefficency, internet, Julbock, laundry, Lillstrumpa, living abroad, lose face, Lucia, lumparminnen, Lunarstorm, Madrid, Midsummer, misanchellous, New Year's, Nobel Prize, non-swedes, pedestrians, personal insult, personal space, pictures, Playahead, politics, Power Point, public transportation, red light, restaurant, Santa Claus, sharing the toilet, skurt, Snaps, Snow, student, subway, Sweden, swedes, swedish bikini team, Swedish massage, Syster Yster, taxi, televinken, thursday, toilet paper, traditions, tv, valid ticket, Vikings, Vilse i Pannkakan, Volvo, weather 5.

You happily engage in a conversation about the weather. You hate to ‘lose face’ in public, and will act like everyone else to prevent this from happening.

You refuse to believe that snuff or ”snus” is harmful. And when people abroad tell you it’s private land, you don’t understand and say ”But, what about Allemansrätten? Confronted with a new substance you ask your government if it is okfor you to touch/ingest/be on the same continent as it. However you can’t imagine a future without a red ‘villa’, a volvo, two kids and a dog. You understand the unspoken war between Stockholm and Göteborg. And you don’t find it rude to snoop around in people’s houses the first time you visit (“gå husesyn”). You were never patriotic about Sweden when you lived there, but once you moved out, consider Sweden to be some sort of paradise where everything is perfect – unlike your new country of residence. You don’t see why people are so upset about bringing in ID cards – because you’ve had one since you were 12. You think every country could do with ”personnummer” to make things run more smoothly. You hate, but would never refrain from living under “the Law of Jante” no matter how hard you try. You long for the day when the province where you live breaks free from the rest of Sweden. You think the kitchen is the single most important room in your house. You really can’t see why anyone would ever call it Gothenburg, since it makes Non-Swedes think that’s where Batman resides. You constantly complain about the United States doing horrible things in the world and not taking its responsibility. Real pancakes are thin, taste better…are served with jam and sometimes whipped cream – just like the ones Pippi Longstocking makes. You eat pancakes with jam, not lemon and sugar like the English. You consider Non-Swedish cinnamon buns a failed attempt to mimmick the ‘original’ and become annoyed everytime you bite into one because it tastes nothing the real thing. The notion of pouring the closest equivalent to “filmjölk” (buttermilk) over your cereal doesn’t sound odd…in fact, you’d probably go out and get some berries/fruit to blend with the cereal. You know that a sandwich consists of only one slice of bread. You find the ads for Coca Cola during Christmas completely useless since no one would consider drinking any other soft drink than ”julmust” during Christmas anyway. You know that it is not true, but you like to believethat there is a massive difference between the taste of ”julmust” and ”påskmust”. Making the cheese look like a ski slope is a mortal offence. You know the meaning of and utmost importance of a cheese slicer and it disturbs you that it’s a Norwegian invention. You seriously look for Baklava made from whole grain, since ”in Sweden, we don’t eat white flour anymore because “Socialstyrelsen” says it’s not good for you”. You love O’boy to pieces and know that there is no way the Nesquick powder can ever replace it. You think that any type of dish including pork fillet with béarnaise sauce and meatballs with beetroot salad (a Christmas version! ’ and answered in the affirmative, reinforcing their beliefs with a conversation ending – ‘Yeah, the bloodier the better.’ 25.

You systematically accuse the Germans for stealing elk signs. You think that everyone is allowed to walk in any field or forest. Someone insults your girlfriend you dont hit him because your girlfriend would be pissed off if she doesn’t get to hit him herself. You know that asking someone you are attracted to if they want to come over to your place for “tea” does actually not involve drinking tea at all. You fully believe that walking on ”a-brunnar” gives u bad luck. You even begin to understand what someone means when they give you a number of a week instead of a date. You get confused why people in other countries buy their flats instead of just rent them. When the only school grades you know are ”pass”, ”fail” and ”high pass”, and don’t understand why others have grades like A, B. You still believe it’s free to visit your doctor even though, in fact it’s pretty expensive, but you keep spreading this myth of the free health care system to the rest of the world. You find the thought of becoming a ‘Svensson’ scary. You think five weeks of vacation a year is way too little. You have a nervous breakdown unless “things” are in their right compartments and properly labeled. You are baffled because the concept of “tvättstuga” does not exist in all countries. You don’t even think twice about bringing hot coffee to the beach. You know that there must be some sort of difference between “Plopp” and “Center”, since they´re both made by Cloetta, but you can´t figure out what it is. You don’t consider small, round fluffy things stacked over each other and served withsyrup to be actual pancakes. You think it’s ridiculous to sell milk and yogurt in anything other than Tetrapak. “Tallriksmodellen” pops up in your head every time you serve food. You find it morally reprehensible to not even TRY to eat from all the food groups. You love “Kalles Kaviar” and get offended when Non-Swedes claim it is “only cod roe, not caviar”. You could survive on just fish and prawns, and still manage to have a different dish for every meal for a month, even put it in cake. You drink black espresso without sugar, believing that is what they do in Italy, and actually believe that you like it. You know that the most common cars in Sweden are not Volvo’s or Saab’s, but “Ahlgrens Bilar”. You can debate for hours the difference between the taste of the pink, the green and the white car in a pack of “Ahlgrens Bilar”. You actually have a favourite colour of “Ahlgrens Bilar”, and are pretty militant in your opinion on this point. You have been asked by Non-Swedes, ‘You eat reindeer in Sweden don’t you? You seriously consider ‘kebabrulle’ being a Swedish dish.